Summer reflections

Hard to believe September is just around the corner, and soon Christmas will follow. August at least the end of it has seen grief especially for one of my best friends and her family; I cry with them. To me it extended the time that comes around every year and each year is different; not always better, not always worse but different. I've been going through my vastness of photographs and made cd's for Gayle and Karen of the two times we explored together. You saw some of the Zion photographs now to reflect on the July 4th parade in Prescott, AZ (pronounced like 'biscuit'):









Never thought I'd see the Shriner's with out the little cars.



That is something I'd thought I would only see in the North East.



Now I feel more at home





This was by no means 'the end'after all isn't life a parade..

Letting go...

Familar vignettes
The comforting old grudges
Time to let them go

2 years ago today...

I along with my sister Susan embarked on recreating life as we know it. I've been looking around and thinking "wow, how much has really changed?"

When we arrived we arrived with a couple of suit cases and carry on's. Life in a suitcase. Of course there were surprises and disappointments - those disappointments are expectations we brought on ourselves. I became my old boss' hero when I told her we had shipped a box of shoes to ourselves because we didn't have room in the luggage. Halarious to think of, considering most were the wrong kind of shoes - believe me you don't wear heels at the canyon except maybe once a year at the Christmas party. But the cowboy boots purchased in Georgia was the best investment to this day. I love them. Along with the suede/fleece coat.

Now I have an apartment, granted where I live on the outside front reminds me of section 8 houseing; but the sliding glass doors open to a forest where animals of all sizes; ranges and elements roam; including human but not many of those. Then there is the canyon, what I call my official 'backyard'. Beats the hell out of buying yard art! It even changes with the seasons; so no having to bring in the seasonal pieces makes it more enjoyable. But my apartment is comfortable; with the help of a friend with a car I have collected some interesting and beautiful pieces; including what I call my 'bordello bedroom' because almost everything is in red tones. I just can't bring myself to put the purple area rugs in there - that would truely confirm it. But is that re-creating a past life? Lord knows enough people took my picture at the front desk and out by the canyon as though I had been a part of a time capsule.

There are a lot of things I miss; my car - just for pure freedom, my friends, Publix and their higher-then-other-stores-but-the-quality-is-worth-it, what I have in storage in Florida, Ross and Marshall's and I know there are other things as well. But to look up and see the milky way - not the candy bar but the 'stairway to life' is pretty amazing. Watching the movement of the stars and every once in a while seeing a few fall deciding what to wish for (world peace). The 'lawnboys' with their racks munching grass outside my door. There were a lot of babies this year, a lot more then last year. They may be 'smaller' but they're still plenty big. The different people I've met from all over the globe; no where I have been would have offered this smorgasboard of personalities.

I have learned a lot; on the professional level I've done what some consider 'management training' with weeks spent in different departments (front desk, accounting, human resources, and now group sales). This last one is the longest I've held since coming here, a year next month. I'm learning a little more just how obscure being a 'concessionaire' in a national park is. On a personal level I've learned to love, be loved, be un-loved, and most important I'm still in the process of being true to myself. But I think that is an on-going education we all have and perfect in each of our own ways. Selfish? Maybe, but honey you only have one life; YOURS and no one, I repeat, NO ONE is responsible for your misery or happiness but YOU. Yes I get lonely, but like anything else including good luck, happiness or money it passes. Sometimes like a long winded stinky fart; sometimes like a gentle breeze. Part of the process.

So it's taken two years for me to go into another 'resolution' for myself. I discovered last year when I got restless to walk down into the canyon; it's almost time - probably Sunday - Mada's day. I feel as though I've moved away from some of the traits I liked about myself when I came here. Is it time to be more aware of those traits and not conform to expectation of others? Yes. Will I be more alone? Maybe, maybe not the future is a blank canvas on which I will express with color; me. I do want to get a good vehicle, so that'll keep me here for a while; which means I will realign myself to utilizing my benefits for what they are, start hiking again to relieve my inner restlessness, draw more even if it's a little doodle, and being kind, not just to others but to myself as well.

North Rim and Zion

Gayle asked on the spur of the moment last week if I'd like to get out of the park and go see the North Rim and Zion. Well, like any person who doesn't have many opportunities to get out I jumped at the chance. Once we made the preparations she asked Karen to come along too; so it turned into a girls weekend much like July 4th.

Stayed at a cabin at Jacob's lake, the North Rim is so different and smaller but higher in altitude so there are a lot of Aspen - my favorite trees.



After shopping - and they do have a great gift shop, we headed to Zion in Utah. I've never wanted to visit Utah, though I've heard time and again how beautiful it is. Traveling between towns is more and more desert; time and again I've questioned myself as to why am I in the desert? I know I chose it, was it subconciously to dry the tears? Or rediscover the basics of life and finding it in the most unlikely places such as the rich colored sands, the vastness of harsh beauty. The sand kept getting redder the further we traveled north. I wanted to scoop some up to take with me (which I did on the way home), because the color is so vibrant and rich; it's absolute pure minerals.

I drew a little in the back seat; some three second pictures in my little sketchbook, but soon picked up the camera and gave new meaning to 'drive by shooting'. I think I'm getting pretty darn good taking photos from a moving vehicle and I don't even have an IS (image stablizing) lens.



Utah is called the 'beehive' state; maybe because some of the rock formations look like bee hives. Frankly I thought they looked like a mixed swirled ice cream. But then I would.



It seemed like every turn was a new oasis of color and beauty. When we stopped for all of us to take a photo I got out of the car and had tears in my eyes for the magnificence of beauty.



Now we're further inside the park, we stopped at the Human Museum (and no I didn't go in there - there's too much outside for the limited time I had) and took the shuttle. It is one of the cleanest parks I have ever seen - and the town out side is calling my name to explore more. So put on some soothing music - something that touches deep inside and look at more:











We sat down in front of Zion Lodge at the bottom of the canyon and sniffed the air like doggies; we could smell the green in the grass. I wanted to be a dog at that moment and roll around in it. But it was refreshing to the eyes just to see the green.

The next day we went back after staying in a b&b. Parked at the same place and took the shuttle beyond the lodge to the last stop. Walked the mile river walk - that is where you see the hanging gardens, there's bogs with cat tails, and big red dragon flies. The Western Swallowtails fluttered above peoples heads; it was crowded but everyone was absorbing the beauty of it. Once we reached the end of the trail we went into the river; oh it felt so good! 60 degree water in 80 something heat - the sun was hot and boy did I want to load my back pack with the river rocks but knew better. That and the fact I was trying not to lose my footing - didn't want to get the camera wet. I would've gone further into the narrows, I still want to but the footing was not the greatest and I didn't have hiking poles.



Gayle continued on and went into the narrows eventually I will go there myself.

I was amazed and dazed at the natural colors; it felt like I was walking into a Thomas Cole painting from the late 1800's - Hudson Valley School of Art, I felt rather a little shamed how my camera couldn't do it justice, much less my art. Though I have enough fodder to try and try again.

It was almost disappointing to get back home though I was tired; it takes 5 hours to drive from there and we started out late because we didn't want to leave.

I can only imagine it in winter....

Wanderings

As I wander I like to take my camera with me - go figure - so I can catch something I want to identify.

This is I believe a Plain Titmouse; however I'm unsure I'll have to check with Gayle's library of Sibley books - those are GREAT sources.



9/6/09 - Update - this is actually a juniper titmouse

Yes this high desert environment blooms and it is beautiful. Here's what I think is a beautiful shot of the Prickley Poppy.

Poetry in bloom

The Lawn Boy

See how nicely he's taking care of the overgrown grass? Nice rack!

Unfortunately he looked up and noticed my bird feeder which he promptly tore off a rope I have Christmas lights hooked up to. (For some reason the elk LOVE bird food; I can't fathom it) I then proceeded to yell at him (as a mother does a child) so he decided he was done and sauntered off before finishing the job!



What nerve!

Ramblings from the week...

I make my bed in which I lie
Create the dreams of what's to be
The matrix assembles to my opening eyes
I breathe
I made my bed on which I lay
Live the dreams of what's to be
I am part of this world I chose for me
I breathe

Walking through footstpes
Those we started before
Finalizing us

Silence! Screams inside
As I fold onto myself
Reverberating

With uncertaintly
Reading through my ramblings
To see what I see

Thresholds of my soul
Passing through my memories
Sifting emotions

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. ~Roger Miller

We've had rain on and off for the past week; though the weather looks like it'll be nice next week. This stuffs the shuttle busses with bodies; along with the stores and restaurants. Thatll help on that front I'm sure; but it does make us locals choosy with regards to where we go and how.

For me the weather has given me opportunity to set up my new apartment the way I want to and dream about how I want to decorate it. Life is just too short to waste on worries as I ponder what I want to achieve and/or make in the next five years. What ever life brings I hope to meet it with joy and beauty

May, the month for changes

May was brought in with a gusty wind of change. Mike had left on the 1st; ushering a week of realignment with myself. Friday's full moon brought out the depth of mercury retro; with communication alignments going full charge.

I have been reminded again how much my family of friends mean to me; those at long distances and those close by.

I still very much like my job I do; I've got some areas I definately need improvment but I know deep in my heart that when I have them improved I will do well.

I believe things happen for reasons; sometime we don't understand them, other times it's quite obvious. Yesterday throughout the morning people were dropping coins. The first time it passed through my mind; after the second time I got the message: Change. Not just myself; but what I accept regarding personal behavior to me - those are the most obvious. The rest will surface in time.

Happy Mothers Day

To one and all.
Last year at this time we had snow. Thank goodness the sun is shining and it's beautiful; expected to be near 80. What a relief.

Happy April

Here it is April already; the day before my eldest sisters birthday; HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS! I hope it's a really good one for you. Got plans?

The park is getting busier; we had a power outage on Friday for about 3 hours. I think everyone in my office went home and took a nap. A few of us wandered in on Saturday to finish up what wasn't done. The office was nice and quiet. Walked to work in a little snow; it was pretty. Boy am I looking forward to warmer weather.

One week ago last Wednesday I got a new do. The ponytail has been saved to send to Locks for Love; but a whole lot more came off.

This is before:


This is after


I like it, and so does Mike.

An observation of human nature or action?

While Mike was getting gas yesterday I was gazing out the window people watching. At one pump I noticed a Cadillac SUV and the pump behind it a Japanese couple pulled up in a rental car. It has been my experience here with anyone in a Cadillac SUV, so far anyways, they tend to 'ignore' anyone, even be rude by cutting off or blocking entrances/exits. (This on was no exception to the latter, but thank goodness I've not had to see this on the road only at gas stations). I watched Mike go in, and a nice older gentleman held the door for him as he noticed him approach; he then walked to the SUV and I smiled inside thinking "hmm, maybe this one will change that image I have" but he climbed in the back seat. When the driver came out, the Japanese man followed him to his car, he glanced at the couple behind him causing me to glance too. They were confused as to how to work the gas pump; not surprising to me. So the SUV driver opened his trunk put in his case of drink and got in the car and left. That surprised me. Even the couple looked surprised; so I rolled my window down and asked if they needed help. They did so I did.
I was a bit disappointed in the lack of actions or should I say the lack of courtesy. I suppose the way the car blocked the way around the pump should have tipped me off; and for some reason I feel or sense the elder man who sat in the back noticed as they drove off.

Mike's words

Brought to him in a dream:

It's not where you
start from today
But rather where you
Finish tomorrow.

Don't think I could've said it better.

As the world turns..'s

As most of you know I no longer have a cell phone; those who want my home number read your emails; it there for YOU to stay in touch should YOU want to.

It's scary reading about all the problems in the 'outside' world, yes it's affecting us here; but not as much I think as a lot of people in my old hometowns. Yet I'm just a bit thrilled to see people re-creating themselves into thriving, caring humans. It's a bit like people waking up after a numbness of watching television for waaayyyy too long.

I've been feeling restless; wanting to move onward. I know I have to wait a while; and learn more but I look forward to moving FORWARD.

Days gone by...

The past two weekends have moved in a blurr with the weekdays used as 'catch up' in taking in a breath.

It was great to have Dwight and Terry here for too short a time. I had to laugh when she looked at me rather seriously and said "Your crows here are as big as chickens!" Ahhh, the raven's; aka, the seagulls of the west. Hell this used to be an ocean; there's proof on the edge of the rim with the fossilized marine life, so I think the sea gulls just got overly burnt by the sun and became ravens. Ate out, walked a lot, drove a lot. Boy their rental car was so big, I think we could've drove our little car into it and still had room for a driver and a passenger. She offered to let me go where I wanted...tempting but I would've come back with more then what my apartment could hold. So I took her to see the wonder and the extraordinary canyon.

This weekend Mike and I used the gift certificate I won at the managers party to stay at the Radisson in Flag. As they had a sleep number bed we found our number, went to dinner at Red Lobster; which I can't remember the last time that was. MJ do you remember? Anyways it was heaven eating lobster tails. Today we leisurely grocery shopped and we're so relaxed; it was nice for a change as we usually leave early in the morning and get back for a late lunch tired and grumpy. I went to do my laundy but lo and behold the door was bolted and locked with a note "Closed until further notice". Grumbling and adding it to my list, after all like MANY things, laundry facilities are NOT abundant here, I think next week I'll take a mule down to the river and pound out my frustrations on my laundry by the river.

Happy Valentine's Day

A marked day for lovers, but also a marked day to reflect on those we love and love us in return. A friend quipped to me February is single awareness month, with Valentine's Day being single awareness day. She had a great idea of having a dinner for all of her single friends, but hiked down to Phantom instead. But it bore a new idea into my brain for next year of having a dinner party where ever I may be with our friends; single or not; to show how singly aware we are of our love for each other. Granted there will be friends that won't be present in physicality, but in spirit I accept that and honor it. Time to get dressed as the coffee is almost done and treat my sweetie to breakfast at El Tovar

Karma and Big Tobacco

Headline: Jury; Florida smoker died because of addiction.

So his widow is going to court to get millions of dollars to 'ease her grief' as her husband didn't know or understand the depth of the dangers of cigarette smoking. Bull****. Did they also sign up for one of those famcy dangerous mortgages that had a 25% balloon on the loan that came due? Where is the common sense? If we were in the 50's 60's or even as late as the 70's I'd agree, it's a new millennium folks and a lot of progress was supposedly made throughout the last one

No I'm not 'rooting' for Big Tobacco; however there is a huge waste with the large money in fines they don't seem to know what to do with. Hmmm, let see, maybe set up funds for those with medical bills who can't afford them to help pay them; consider giving away the VERY expensive patches, gums, and addiction breaking medicines that are there instead of offering discounts; how about funding research into curing cancers? Sure all the 'advertising' is helping some in the job market, but not enough.

I'm baaaacccckkkk

Winter sings in the whiping wind





It's the first time I've seen this much snow on Plateau Point. Beautiful isn't it?

So much for more bars...

Or was it just an excuse? My cell phone company (which will remain nameless - because any kind of publicity is well publicity) has decided they no longer want me as a customer. I've met people with the same company that chose their number in Flagstaff. Yet I get a letter telling me that since I am 'off network' my choices are to shut off my phone or get another carrier I am being released from my contract. Hmm, 5 years, and I thought I was a pretty good customer. Is it because I moved to the canyon? My notion was to be here a year or two and then who knows. I've been here one year as of August.

Well considering how remote this place is I can understand, but only to a point. In my way of thinking customer service would resemble something like; contact me; let me know they can't hold my Florida phone number for more then whatever time period they would allow. Rather then lose a good customer offer to change the number for me and put a recording for a certain time period that my number had changed. Not only am I not happy, I'm downright steaming. Not boiling yet; they aren't worth it.

So much for more bars anywhere....

6 more weeks of winter??

Could've fooled me as we here at the Canyon are in the 50's during the day. I was surprised to see it in the 30's this morning; usually it's in the teens. Being at such a high altitude (7000 feet above sea level) the variation between night and day can be as much as a 40 degree difference.

I still miss the snow, but I suppose (insert heavy sigh) that it's soon time for spring. The mule deer are becoming more frequent in our back 'yard' looking for fresh shoots, we put up a bird feeder and the multitude of little birds don't look all that hungry though you'd wonder they way they fight over the perches. I'll know spring is close when I start to see the Stellar and Scrub Jays; they're so pretty as are the cute little chickadees. There's a lot of beauty here; of course the Grand Canyon is one of the 7 natural wonders of the world so being outside here one breathes deeper. Not only because of the altitude but the spirit one feels here.

I'm glad on one front that winter will soon close; on the human front. It's a time where there's not enough for people to do so they tend to become malicious in talk and action. The Grand Canyon Free Press becomes worse then the New York Times, so soon (hopefully) everyone will be too busy to start a new byline. I will say this for this place; it would make one helluva reality show, that's for sure.

Creative stirrings...

Watching a screen view of art - modern - the canyon's way of visiting a museum - I noticed my eyes relaxed. When I look at pieces of realism, and older pieces they tense as do I.

I want to absorb how they're created...why? Is it because they sell? But do they?
Dare I attempt the 'native dancers' to abstract? Is it opening another dimension? Should I study abstract drawings or will that create tension?

I remember my art instructor in college, at the end/beginning of a project we would watch slides for 2 minutes for inspiration. Once we got the project our table of peeps would 'brainstorm' over the project, shooting questions to one another, answering and throwing ideas into the canvas of the mind creating images. '

Is this what is missing? The inspiration jam.

Not easy to find here.

Decorations all hung (by the chimny) with care

See even more jingles...

It's a marshmallow world in the winter....

Lines from Christmas songs run through my head as I go through the pictures I've taken over the last couple of days. We had a winter 'storm' come through, though the flakes were not big, the main part of the 'storm' went around us. We had what I refer to as lake affect snow; which of course any lakes or water for that matter is a mile straight down it wasn't, it did have the same affect. Beauty.

This is where I work, at the GO building.

This is the road going away from the 'village' towards the Shrine of Ages, Market Plaza and such.
I know Susan is not missing this as it's been cold, but I wouldn't miss this show.

My heart is awed by the greatness in the beauty that surrounds me.

Merry Christmas...MC Escherish

There and back again

Today I hiked with Jill and Jen to mile and a half house. Needless to say it's one and a half miles into the canyon. It was amazing to look up to the walls, smelling the crisp clean air. It takes me longer to walk down the trail as the slopes tweak my knees a bit; ace bandage or not, so they put me in the lead. Made it there in 1 hour and 15 minutes. But coming back up I was again in lead, and kept moving. It felt good to hear them huffing and puffing as much as I was...trust me I moved slow; though all of us were pleasantly surprised we made it up in and hour and a half. It was exhilarating. I was buzzing for over an hour.
Surprisingly just over 8 hours later, thanks to an 800 mg ibuprophen, even my knee doesn't hurt. Pictures to come later.

Black Friday

Well here it is the day after the big turkey. Normally I'd be decorating, but they won't have trees here until the 10th and I'm not about to attempt to go anywhere near a 'township' to get one. I'll wait until next weekend. In the mean while, the Christmas cards are out! (I addressed them while the turkey was cooking and we were cursing our oven).

Our lovely oven decided to go wierd on us; since we've moved in here it hasn't worked right but we thought we'd outsmart it by getting an oven thermometer and work with it. That worked until yesterday, when Mike put the turkey in and checked it 20 minutes later it was at 420, he turned it down, checked it, it went down to 200, and so on. The turkey was done in 3 hours when we planned on 6.

Everything still turned out great, had our 'family' of friends over; they brought the sides and we all had a good time. It snowed on and off throughout the day, then melted overnight.

I hope everyone enjoys the great open doorway to the Christmas season.

HappyThanksgiving

It's still early here, nearly 6am. We have a light dusting of snow so far...

Shells

When I first came to St. Augustine and started playing on the vast beach there I picked up a lot of shells. I miss walking with T talking or just walking in companionable silence. She told me 'when you bend down to pick up a shell, don't leave it there, pick it up anyways; even if it's not something you thought it was'.

I thought of that statement yesterday when I was walking on a trail through the trees back to work; there was some pretty amazing rocks; some I picked up some I just walked past. But those I picked up my imagination saw some beauty. One is small and dark as an inky night sky; there's a few white dots resembling stars with one 'scratch' making it look like a falling star.

I am still amazed at the colors, fragments of fossils from life so long ago, and shapes of the rocks I walk on and by. I imagine the many lifetimes they've gone through, the pressures put upon them to create them as a whole. Yeah, I hear my siblings; 'only you can see things totally different', however the lesson I take to heart; I sense the 'pressure' comes and goes with the ebb and flow of the tide, they pass; we create the 'colors', the visions people see from us, and leave our mark in the only way we as individuals do.

Life in the Canyon

I know, I know, I hear the echo in almost every phone call I get from my family of friends. 'You haven't blogged.' Usually I get an email or two regarding that, but life has everyone a bit busy, and the economy has everyone just a bit worried. I had said I would use it for creative purposes, however, my creativity has been utilized in my environment as you'll soon read. We had our first snow on November 10th. It was beautiful, especially since we were snug in the apartment and I have been going through as MJ put, a 'nesting' stage. Purchasing new curtains (got a great deal), found a beginners acoustic guitar for a great price, it now hangs on my wall; and planning for the holidays. Mike's at home working, doing web programming, so he's been doing the cooking, he's pretty darned good, so I guess that leaves the environment for my homebodiness. (hey that's a new word that's not even in dictionary.com)



I'm looking forward to getting a tree and decorating it. So much that I've entered a 'contest' with a friend regarding our decorating our trees. Yes a picture will be put on the ole blogger. I have to laugh as I remember last Christmas here with Susan; we went to the dollar store, I bought a 12 inch metal tree with bells on it, brought it home, set it on the table and said "trees up!" This year I've already purchased some decor for home and tree, the rest is all around me in its natural state. I'm waiting on the general store to provide the tree. I have some music; Bette Midler, Manaheim Steamroller, but now feel the need to get more.

Now for baking. I've an idea I think will make a great dunk. Cookies! Well that's not original, I know, but maybe a tin with 3 different kind of chocolate chip cookies; the regular, my famous 'damed good chocolate chocolate chip with cinnamon', and peanut butter chcocolate chip. Not the kind with a kiss in it, but with chocolate chips in them. There are moments I like to think outside the proverbial canyon, just moments mind you. Of course I have to say 'canyon' instead of box, well, sometimes you just have to fit the sayings to your environment; 'as the crow flies' is now 'as the raven flies', etc.

I do enjoy my new job here. The people I work with are an absolute great bunch of people. It's exciting to show off what we offer to new people visiting the canyon, not to mention meeting such a variety of people. It's like HR only better. Oops, they better not read that part as I do miss the fun there; but I think I've found the right crevice to be in. Crevice, ha-ha, get it? One of my old boss' came through the office last month and took a double take and said "everytime I see you, you're in a different place." I take that as a compliment for both of the meanings; literally and figuratively.

So there you are my dears, the update. Happier now? Good.

Tweeners

"Another term to describe the demographic of kids ages 9-12, also known as "tweens" '

This is the general meaning to the term tweeners. I'm adding one more...'of those who find in general where it may apply in life's terms; either socially or personally, of falling in between the cracks.' I guess I'm in the perfect place for that...

The company I work for has decided to purchase a different health plan. It is EXPENSIVE, not only as a deduction from the check for the premium but the copay as well has doubled. Luckily I work in a part that pays better, if I had my old job, it would definately eat half of my paycheck.

I have no little children here to raise, I'm not in my child bearing years, where I am at has a clinic that can take care of most emergencies. Otherwise one would have to go to Flagstaff, one and a half hour from here - with or with out insurance that is a very expensive ride.

Rather then participating I'm debating the logic of putting what would be the premium into my savings as a direct deposit from my check. That way I would also keep the interest earned on my moneys.

Which brings me to another annoying topic. Banks. There are several people I know that can only get a checking account because of bad credit. Well after this year, I'm sure there'll be an abundance. What I find illogical is they cannot get a savings account. Maybe my logic is screwed, but wouldn't it be more prudent to have a savings account rather then a checking account? To me the message given is 'we want you to spend all of your money, if you go over then that's pure profit for us.' Which is, I'm sure, the reasoning; however, as the economy changes so must our 'message'.

Going Hiking?

I was asked as I left work already changed into 3 light layers for the top, one for pants, shoes, hiking pole, hat and backpack with items.

"No I think I'll go shopping." I replied shashaying around.

Then I met Carissa on the trail head and we started meandering down after visiting with Valerie for a little while. Went past the first tunnel, got half way to the second when I inclined for us to head back up. I was hesitant on going that far (which isn't far at all) because of the steep climb back; when Carissa showed me a tool that will be invaluable for the rest of my life. Pace. Slow as it was it was constant, almost to a stop at some point, but not. The body kept propelling upward, momentum forward, slow; but even.

I'm not dreading the next trip down; as I know how I'll handle the long, steep trail up; a slow continuous pace.

Lunch

Requiring spontaneity. Lighting that summoning cigarette as I wait for the bus. It comes, as these words flow through my head; my day. Cause and reason unwound by chaos. Seasons echo within the flowing moods as clouds roll in and by. I hope it doesn't rain till after I'm home; but stick around 5 minutes that'll change.

Why is it everything seems uphill?

I wish I had a small sketchbook instead of listening to a co worker argue with an intended mate at a table near by while I await my lunch. Wow! The baggage she carries. She had this very paniked look in her eyes as we were introduced as they started leaving. So much read in those looks and words unsaid.

Now the corner is unbostructed from bodies sitting as my waiter walks by; still with no soup. Movement only stirs between the bus girl clearing and my pen in our little corner of the restaurant. A cloud grows outside of the window facing the Canyon; the ruffled edgeds colored in blue.

Ahh, alas the soup. French Onion. "Where are the onions?" I ask my spoon as it stirs the bottom of very nearly broth; searching. Shaking my head I release all words but one; eat.

Conditioning

Yesterday Sarah and I walked down the Bright Angel Trail. The origional goal was the mile and a half house until my knee let me know it didn't want to go that far so we went to the second tunnel.



Can you see the face etched in the rock? It is a hell-uv-a downward slope but goes fast...on the way down. Coming back up on the other hand is quite another story.



Which whether standing next to or within the canyon I feel about as big as this guy sunning on a rock.

Today we took the rim path to an unmaintained trail that leads to a cave overlooking the canyon. Looking down at the path I hesitated considerably, but with the urging of Sarah I went and was glad I did.

Contemplation cave

Contemplations cave
Destinys journey
Of fear and freedom




** note to CrypticFragments, looked at your profile, I remember you! You were here when my sis and I first came. Wow, small world. The cave is just off the rim trail about 1/4 mile from Hopi house. Small trail one barely discerns it's there; but I was told about it. Now the secret is out.

Decisions

The seeds are starting in the depth of my mind as new pathways open; new opportunities, reinventing yet again...existance in exquisiteness. I'm entering a new profession; no, enhancing the known into expansion. Slowly creativity flows. I will write more creatively on this site as I start to expand my horizons, both personally and professionally. Humbly I packed my backpack with necessary items for a small trek down into the canyon tomorrow night as a small group of us will start preparing for our journey (I hope, it hasn't been approved at work yet) down to Phantom Ranch in December for 2 nights. As the sage says...a journey begins with a single step.

On the way home

Ahh, the silence refreshed

After the gaggle of girls disembark before me

Lending an opening for the crickets to sing

Their night song

In the bright moonlight

Shimmering blue

Lighting my path…home.

September

On the 1st was the Family Fun Day at the Grand Canyon Rec Center. It was great. No pics, because this is a public blog and I don't have permission from those in it. I still wonder where all the kids hide...

Mike is back, living and working in Tusuyan. We're talking and building and learning.

I got a promotion. Next Thursday on 9/11 I start in sales. Auspicious? We shall see.

Not much planned for this month, reading The Portrait of Dorian Grey. Pretty interesting. Read the Handmaid's Tale, was depressed for several hours after; but recognized the timelessness in it.

Enjoy the dance of life

Here it is Mada's day of renewal 5 years ago, into what is unknown to us and what would've been her 20th year. I smile as I feel the waves, and the tears fall, my hands shake as my center rotates yet another round; then it passes. Like all things.

I still make plans with those I have come to be close to here in the canyon: hiking to phantom ranch for Thanksgiving, watching the sunrise from the porch of the El Tovar with a cup of their really good hot chocolate on Christmas morning as there is a holy sanctuary outside 'my back door'.

Is it just my pride?

Gone are the 'hopes', as they are in the same category as 'try'. Rather then 'try', I will do, rather then 'hope', I will plan.

Dreams are not illusions based upon hope, they are becoming goals. As the structure falls a new foundation is bourne into the reality of what I am and am about to become...

Moments before...

Moments before I wake up
I still feel you touch me
As you had not so very long ago
My body remembers
As it aches to confirm you
As it had what seemed just moments before.

Once my eyes open
Reality surrounds me
Your absence so stark and sure
Conciousness defends me
As I step through the pieces
Of the broken glass shattered on the floor

What were you thinking
As your anger drove you beyond me
When you walked out slaming the door
Does your body remember
How it once touched me
In what seems like only moments before

Being there

The phone started ringing Saturday morning; even though I slept in till 8. Wow, but then again I was up till 2, much like I am tonight. Had an absolutely georgous storm here last night. (There was a tornado warning in a little town called Park). Went to Sarah's and had dinner, listened to music and had a good time with those that came over.

My dear friend Glen came over and asked me if I wanted to go to Flag with him. I really didn't expect to leave the canyon for a while, so I jumped at the chance since the planned get away went away... Did some shopping and then went to see a movie. It's the first movie theatre I've been in since I left Florida (I don't count the IMAX since it's a film of the canyon and there's no choice). He pacified me by taking me to see Mama Mia. We laughed so hard. To me it felt like watching MJ, Terry and I together; hey we do tend to get people dancing when we're together. It certainly gave me a TOTALLY new appreciation of Abba. We both want to see it again, but it is a long drive back to the canyon.

It rained the whole day; making it rather chilly tonight; but I'm ever so thankful for the friends I have both in Florida and here. They are a tremendous support system; hugging me when I tear up, cursing with me when I get angry, encouraging me...and being there.

Picking up...pieces

I'm still surprised when some people come up to me and ask "So, where's Mike? Haven't seen him." They question my answer: "gone" and look at me for answers only he can tell. Shock and denial are the first reaction, that was mine too. Eventually 'this too shall pass', as will the anger, betrayal, and hurt. Went to dinner at the BA bar last night with Sharon and smiled with reminiscence as I remembered the winter time I worked at the front desk and the good memories we did share. More will come and go I know and I'll love them the way I did then; just with a wisp of sentiment.

It's nice to be able to smile again.

Mantle of mourning

Weighed heavy through to this afternoon. I've missed a lot of things we shared intimately and not, even the way his breathing evened out when he slept. So I embrace it and ignore the haunting questions that only hurt myself more; knowing deep down I will be something so much more beyond this.

Learning from this the mantra question I am allowing myself is: 'how do I let the betrayal go without it closing me off from the rich encounters of humanity, including the many faces of love?' With this as the devine internal question I open my eyes and self.

Sometimes the grief feels mixed as my mind slips over to my daugther, it is there I find the real truth and reality of knowing and not all at once. For as much as he had changed my life, she changed my world and existance and that is where the new creation begins.

The Journey

August 8th: Been in a funk, but the light rain felt good as is the comfort of the fresh smells of the forests.

Tonight I thought of a dream I had when the possiblity appeared of us moving to Colorado. In it I approached Mike in the sidewalk, carrying something in my hands, but feeling torn inside. I was crushed emotionally in the way he swaggered up to me - his arm around a very young blonde girl. I remember seeing him in a long rain coat even thought the sun was shining. He said something sarcastic and turned away with his arm still around her and all I could think of was 'he's going to the wrong side of town, it's much nicer over here.' Silly as some dreams go but the thought of it lit another thought or question; was that the beginning of the end? More then likely.

After he left I was okay, I could see the magnitude for which it was; no big deal. I was still whole and had my faith in convictions. Until I found out the monies in his work bank were taken. It was a kick in the gut; stunned I questioned myself as to why I didn't feel this way about the monies I had given him to put into savings for 'us', or the car. It was realized after much gainful conversations with MJ, in regards to my faith of him having a shred of integrity; it had become the very last straw of betrayal.

I am ever so grateful I did not have a chain to put on my finger to bind me in a chokehold.

Should the dream, ever in it's own inkling, come true; I would not approach him with a gift of my tears; but a truth to show his lack of existance in which he has become.

Nancy will be back..

Her internet should be back by the weekend. She is doing good. The same ups and downs we all have when someone we love betrays us. Call her when you can.. and I bet she would even enjoy some snailmail! (posting by proxy..MJ)

What Mari-jane has to say..

I am posting in place of Nancy today. She has been forced into internet hiatus by the money stealing, modem stealing, heart stealing SOB, MIke.. who she was engaged to both in status and soul. Regardless of his reasons.. which Nancy has tried to deduce on her own since he left her no clue.. he was a cowardly, spineless, Pussy.. do not pardon my french, when he packed up and left in less than a day,while she was at work.. He left with the car,(in his name, but paid for by her $450), their $1200 in savings.. $800 contributed by her. He took the computer modem which leaves her with no phone & no internet. He left the computer which she paid $1000 of and he paid $500. He took the cell phone which was in her name, along with the bill, but hopefully he didn't charge much before I had her deactivate it.
You see Mike, I don't care what you say or think about me. You have no value in my life. Nancy does.. you dispespected her and used your dishonesty to hurt her.. 2 things I don't tolerate. So Karma may bite my ass.. but it will chow down on you first!

Happy(?) August

It is the first of the 8th month in the year. Not a celebrated month; but we'll do the best we can. On Wiki I found this:

In Celtic mythology, the Lughnasadh festival is said to have been begun by the god Lugh, as a funeral feast and games commemorating his foster-mother, Tailtiu, who died of exhaustion after clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture

So even in mythology the legend starts the month off with grief and reform. Much like we do in today's environment. Of course, since this is the month of Mada's long jouney away; I think of her in snippits of memories. I've found I've been thinking of her the past several weeks. Is this a milestone to pass? The re-emergance of grief feels and tastes different. Is it being in a different environment giving it that quality? Or is it because it's been 5 years (already), that it's a different quality of healing?

Time will tell.

That's what weekends are for....

I took off yesterday, just because ...I can. Even though it was 'without' pay, it was nice. Mike and I went to the morning classes by Canon. You know the guys that made my 'hobby' camera? Well, they had toys. Rather then get drool all over the 40D, I used the wide angle lens, to learn more of my own. It's one I've been wanting to get. Of course everyone else was using the drool over models with the longer lenses to get close up shots. I'm not impressed with the wide angle, and am glad I have not put out the money to get one. Mike used the new point and shoot G9, it's really nice and a really good point and shoot. He got some good shots, but when going to it's full telephoto limit the picture tends to pixilate and they aren't that good. One can get good pictures with the telephoto, but don't take it to it's limit; you couldn't make a poster out of it. Still learned a bit that is helpful. Tomorrow we plan on going and I'm going to use an image stabilizer lens.

While there we saw a couple of century plants. They are spiky cactus' that go about just above the knee, and once every 100 years send a shoot out of the center that grows taller then a person and blooms. That is why they're called century plants. One was in the middle of a rocky outpost at Mather Point, the other was in the woods several yards off the paved path. The one in the woods amazed me; it was HUGE. Tomorrow I plan on picturing both. Who knows maybe that lavander dragon fly will be back there too.

Musings

The hazy distance
In the high desert
Mountains in shadows


In the hazy distance
Shadows talk
Whispers
Heard in the breeze
Overheard
By the clouds
Passing by

On the unmarked trail
The pathway littered
Opportunities

More Olympic Pictures

Thank you Sunny for the pics.

Olympics...company style

Today we had the Olympics at the rec center. Turned out to be a lot more fun then I ever expected. (All other 'corporate' team building events, have been, lets say, tense).

Of course Mike and I were on different teams; he was on the transportation team, and I was on the hr team. Both of us reluctantly signed up for one event, he ended up doing 3.



That is him in the blue t-shirt. I like his new SueDoo. (She works in hr and cuts hair really well).



While Mike won 3 silver medals, (that matches his hair), I won one bronze (which matches mine). His team overall won the silver, ours won the bronze. It was pretty amazing how well maintenance did, they took away a lot and won the gold. Accounting got the turkey award. Funny.



What a sport?!!

More Arizona Exposure

Look who walked by our house for dinner last weekend? The 'boys'.




Pretty big aren't they?



A couple ate off the doorstep, about 5 feet away.



Gotta....reach...that....itch....ahhh.

Singing the theme song from Northern Exposure yet?

Happy Birthday Michael

I came to the Canyon to start a new life; looks like you found me.

Love ya

Happy July

It's hot here, up in the 90's during the day. No there will not be fireworks over the canyon. As pretty as that would be it would also spell disaster as it is WAY too easy to spark a fire.

We were thinking about going out of town since we both have a three day weekend, however, just the thought of traffic outside the park (much less inside) pretty much nixed that idea. So we'll stay at home and enjoy ourselves here.

In the meanwhile a lot is in bloom. There has been so much green I'm really surprised. But here is a taste of what you're missing: