Thursday, August 20, 2009

2 years ago today...

I along with my sister Susan embarked on recreating life as we know it. I've been looking around and thinking "wow, how much has really changed?"

When we arrived we arrived with a couple of suit cases and carry on's. Life in a suitcase. Of course there were surprises and disappointments - those disappointments are expectations we brought on ourselves. I became my old boss' hero when I told her we had shipped a box of shoes to ourselves because we didn't have room in the luggage. Halarious to think of, considering most were the wrong kind of shoes - believe me you don't wear heels at the canyon except maybe once a year at the Christmas party. But the cowboy boots purchased in Georgia was the best investment to this day. I love them. Along with the suede/fleece coat.

Now I have an apartment, granted where I live on the outside front reminds me of section 8 houseing; but the sliding glass doors open to a forest where animals of all sizes; ranges and elements roam; including human but not many of those. Then there is the canyon, what I call my official 'backyard'. Beats the hell out of buying yard art! It even changes with the seasons; so no having to bring in the seasonal pieces makes it more enjoyable. But my apartment is comfortable; with the help of a friend with a car I have collected some interesting and beautiful pieces; including what I call my 'bordello bedroom' because almost everything is in red tones. I just can't bring myself to put the purple area rugs in there - that would truely confirm it. But is that re-creating a past life? Lord knows enough people took my picture at the front desk and out by the canyon as though I had been a part of a time capsule.

There are a lot of things I miss; my car - just for pure freedom, my friends, Publix and their higher-then-other-stores-but-the-quality-is-worth-it, what I have in storage in Florida, Ross and Marshall's and I know there are other things as well. But to look up and see the milky way - not the candy bar but the 'stairway to life' is pretty amazing. Watching the movement of the stars and every once in a while seeing a few fall deciding what to wish for (world peace). The 'lawnboys' with their racks munching grass outside my door. There were a lot of babies this year, a lot more then last year. They may be 'smaller' but they're still plenty big. The different people I've met from all over the globe; no where I have been would have offered this smorgasboard of personalities.

I have learned a lot; on the professional level I've done what some consider 'management training' with weeks spent in different departments (front desk, accounting, human resources, and now group sales). This last one is the longest I've held since coming here, a year next month. I'm learning a little more just how obscure being a 'concessionaire' in a national park is. On a personal level I've learned to love, be loved, be un-loved, and most important I'm still in the process of being true to myself. But I think that is an on-going education we all have and perfect in each of our own ways. Selfish? Maybe, but honey you only have one life; YOURS and no one, I repeat, NO ONE is responsible for your misery or happiness but YOU. Yes I get lonely, but like anything else including good luck, happiness or money it passes. Sometimes like a long winded stinky fart; sometimes like a gentle breeze. Part of the process.

So it's taken two years for me to go into another 'resolution' for myself. I discovered last year when I got restless to walk down into the canyon; it's almost time - probably Sunday - Mada's day. I feel as though I've moved away from some of the traits I liked about myself when I came here. Is it time to be more aware of those traits and not conform to expectation of others? Yes. Will I be more alone? Maybe, maybe not the future is a blank canvas on which I will express with color; me. I do want to get a good vehicle, so that'll keep me here for a while; which means I will realign myself to utilizing my benefits for what they are, start hiking again to relieve my inner restlessness, draw more even if it's a little doodle, and being kind, not just to others but to myself as well.

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