Saturday, August 23, 2008

Enjoy the dance of life

Here it is Mada's day of renewal 5 years ago, into what is unknown to us and what would've been her 20th year. I smile as I feel the waves, and the tears fall, my hands shake as my center rotates yet another round; then it passes. Like all things.

I still make plans with those I have come to be close to here in the canyon: hiking to phantom ranch for Thanksgiving, watching the sunrise from the porch of the El Tovar with a cup of their really good hot chocolate on Christmas morning as there is a holy sanctuary outside 'my back door'.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Is it just my pride?

Gone are the 'hopes', as they are in the same category as 'try'. Rather then 'try', I will do, rather then 'hope', I will plan.

Dreams are not illusions based upon hope, they are becoming goals. As the structure falls a new foundation is bourne into the reality of what I am and am about to become...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Moments before...

Moments before I wake up
I still feel you touch me
As you had not so very long ago
My body remembers
As it aches to confirm you
As it had what seemed just moments before.

Once my eyes open
Reality surrounds me
Your absence so stark and sure
Conciousness defends me
As I step through the pieces
Of the broken glass shattered on the floor

What were you thinking
As your anger drove you beyond me
When you walked out slaming the door
Does your body remember
How it once touched me
In what seems like only moments before

Being there

The phone started ringing Saturday morning; even though I slept in till 8. Wow, but then again I was up till 2, much like I am tonight. Had an absolutely georgous storm here last night. (There was a tornado warning in a little town called Park). Went to Sarah's and had dinner, listened to music and had a good time with those that came over.

My dear friend Glen came over and asked me if I wanted to go to Flag with him. I really didn't expect to leave the canyon for a while, so I jumped at the chance since the planned get away went away... Did some shopping and then went to see a movie. It's the first movie theatre I've been in since I left Florida (I don't count the IMAX since it's a film of the canyon and there's no choice). He pacified me by taking me to see Mama Mia. We laughed so hard. To me it felt like watching MJ, Terry and I together; hey we do tend to get people dancing when we're together. It certainly gave me a TOTALLY new appreciation of Abba. We both want to see it again, but it is a long drive back to the canyon.

It rained the whole day; making it rather chilly tonight; but I'm ever so thankful for the friends I have both in Florida and here. They are a tremendous support system; hugging me when I tear up, cursing with me when I get angry, encouraging me...and being there.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Picking up...pieces

I'm still surprised when some people come up to me and ask "So, where's Mike? Haven't seen him." They question my answer: "gone" and look at me for answers only he can tell. Shock and denial are the first reaction, that was mine too. Eventually 'this too shall pass', as will the anger, betrayal, and hurt. Went to dinner at the BA bar last night with Sharon and smiled with reminiscence as I remembered the winter time I worked at the front desk and the good memories we did share. More will come and go I know and I'll love them the way I did then; just with a wisp of sentiment.

It's nice to be able to smile again.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Mantle of mourning

Weighed heavy through to this afternoon. I've missed a lot of things we shared intimately and not, even the way his breathing evened out when he slept. So I embrace it and ignore the haunting questions that only hurt myself more; knowing deep down I will be something so much more beyond this.

Learning from this the mantra question I am allowing myself is: 'how do I let the betrayal go without it closing me off from the rich encounters of humanity, including the many faces of love?' With this as the devine internal question I open my eyes and self.

Sometimes the grief feels mixed as my mind slips over to my daugther, it is there I find the real truth and reality of knowing and not all at once. For as much as he had changed my life, she changed my world and existance and that is where the new creation begins.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Journey

August 8th: Been in a funk, but the light rain felt good as is the comfort of the fresh smells of the forests.

Tonight I thought of a dream I had when the possiblity appeared of us moving to Colorado. In it I approached Mike in the sidewalk, carrying something in my hands, but feeling torn inside. I was crushed emotionally in the way he swaggered up to me - his arm around a very young blonde girl. I remember seeing him in a long rain coat even thought the sun was shining. He said something sarcastic and turned away with his arm still around her and all I could think of was 'he's going to the wrong side of town, it's much nicer over here.' Silly as some dreams go but the thought of it lit another thought or question; was that the beginning of the end? More then likely.

After he left I was okay, I could see the magnitude for which it was; no big deal. I was still whole and had my faith in convictions. Until I found out the monies in his work bank were taken. It was a kick in the gut; stunned I questioned myself as to why I didn't feel this way about the monies I had given him to put into savings for 'us', or the car. It was realized after much gainful conversations with MJ, in regards to my faith of him having a shred of integrity; it had become the very last straw of betrayal.

I am ever so grateful I did not have a chain to put on my finger to bind me in a chokehold.

Should the dream, ever in it's own inkling, come true; I would not approach him with a gift of my tears; but a truth to show his lack of existance in which he has become.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Nancy will be back..

Her internet should be back by the weekend. She is doing good. The same ups and downs we all have when someone we love betrays us. Call her when you can.. and I bet she would even enjoy some snailmail! (posting by proxy..MJ)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

What Mari-jane has to say..

I am posting in place of Nancy today. She has been forced into internet hiatus by the money stealing, modem stealing, heart stealing SOB, MIke.. who she was engaged to both in status and soul. Regardless of his reasons.. which Nancy has tried to deduce on her own since he left her no clue.. he was a cowardly, spineless, Pussy.. do not pardon my french, when he packed up and left in less than a day,while she was at work.. He left with the car,(in his name, but paid for by her $450), their $1200 in savings.. $800 contributed by her. He took the computer modem which leaves her with no phone & no internet. He left the computer which she paid $1000 of and he paid $500. He took the cell phone which was in her name, along with the bill, but hopefully he didn't charge much before I had her deactivate it.
You see Mike, I don't care what you say or think about me. You have no value in my life. Nancy does.. you dispespected her and used your dishonesty to hurt her.. 2 things I don't tolerate. So Karma may bite my ass.. but it will chow down on you first!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Happy(?) August

It is the first of the 8th month in the year. Not a celebrated month; but we'll do the best we can. On Wiki I found this:

In Celtic mythology, the Lughnasadh festival is said to have been begun by the god Lugh, as a funeral feast and games commemorating his foster-mother, Tailtiu, who died of exhaustion after clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture

So even in mythology the legend starts the month off with grief and reform. Much like we do in today's environment. Of course, since this is the month of Mada's long jouney away; I think of her in snippits of memories. I've found I've been thinking of her the past several weeks. Is this a milestone to pass? The re-emergance of grief feels and tastes different. Is it being in a different environment giving it that quality? Or is it because it's been 5 years (already), that it's a different quality of healing?

Time will tell.