Saturday, June 24, 2006

Crumbs..

I woke up this morning thinking of my mother. I do miss her often, and occasionally dream of her. On her birthdays I'll light a candle and for Mada's birthday in 04 - during the moments in exile - I visited my mothers grave which I hadn't been to since her death

I recalled this morning the crumbs I threw to my mother in the lack of appreciation of the life she gave me. Hardley acknowledging her birthday, mothers day, etc; she accepted the crumbs I gave her as the best way I knew how to love her.

There are lots of moments; and I believe with the 2x4 of this insight, there will be more then one in the recognizing the things she would've loved to have shared should she be alive. Alas but I will settle for her spirit and celebrate it with the love I do have for her.

I remember a long time ago I dreamt we went antiquing in what used to be her brothers house that had been turned into an antique store. We had a wonderful day walking to the store down Big Brook Road in the golden sun of the summer afternoon of Indian Lake New York. In the store we loved this really ostentasious antique wrought iron lamp with a burgundy jaquard print red long fringed lamp shade. We joked about how it looked like it belonged in a bordello but loved it for our own reasons the same. So one day when I see that funky lamp in a store I will purchase it; and use it to read by and have long conversations with her. Also telling her how much I love her.

5 comments:

Jackie said...

I have many regrets about the crumbs I rarely tossed mom. She is heavy in my thoughts lately. I miss her also. I wonder if we, the three of us, could think of something we can do together that would honor her. You were very special to her but I think life overwhelmed her and she retreated. Hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes very painful.

mom, Nana, Mena,Sue, Pick one said...

Mom was to tired when we, Nancy and I were small,she used herself up on me and there wasn't any for Nancy and I feel guilty about that..
Mom loved us all,I believe in my heart she never in a million years intended for us to end up this way as she wasn't loved by her family either, I remember Grandma referring to her as the girl with dirty white shoes.

Terry said...

This was beautiful, very well done. Hope you three can find something or some way to honor her each year, at Mother's day, Birthday, etc.

Terry Moore

Mari-jane said...

What a different perception we have when things come full circle! What is it about Mothers & Daughters? Why is such a fragile thread spun between us? It gets tangled and knotted, each pulling the slack in their own direction. Always yearning for the love & approval we think is not there, but later we learn it was deeper than we looked...Love each other! MJ

Mari-jane said...

What a different perception we have when things come full circle! What is it about Mothers & Daughters? Why is such a fragile thread spun between us? It gets tangled and knotted, each pulling the slack in their own direction. Always yearning for the love & approval we think is not there, but later we learn it was deeper than we looked...Love each other! MJ