There and back again

Today I hiked with Jill and Jen to mile and a half house. Needless to say it's one and a half miles into the canyon. It was amazing to look up to the walls, smelling the crisp clean air. It takes me longer to walk down the trail as the slopes tweak my knees a bit; ace bandage or not, so they put me in the lead. Made it there in 1 hour and 15 minutes. But coming back up I was again in lead, and kept moving. It felt good to hear them huffing and puffing as much as I was...trust me I moved slow; though all of us were pleasantly surprised we made it up in and hour and a half. It was exhilarating. I was buzzing for over an hour.
Surprisingly just over 8 hours later, thanks to an 800 mg ibuprophen, even my knee doesn't hurt. Pictures to come later.

Black Friday

Well here it is the day after the big turkey. Normally I'd be decorating, but they won't have trees here until the 10th and I'm not about to attempt to go anywhere near a 'township' to get one. I'll wait until next weekend. In the mean while, the Christmas cards are out! (I addressed them while the turkey was cooking and we were cursing our oven).

Our lovely oven decided to go wierd on us; since we've moved in here it hasn't worked right but we thought we'd outsmart it by getting an oven thermometer and work with it. That worked until yesterday, when Mike put the turkey in and checked it 20 minutes later it was at 420, he turned it down, checked it, it went down to 200, and so on. The turkey was done in 3 hours when we planned on 6.

Everything still turned out great, had our 'family' of friends over; they brought the sides and we all had a good time. It snowed on and off throughout the day, then melted overnight.

I hope everyone enjoys the great open doorway to the Christmas season.

HappyThanksgiving

It's still early here, nearly 6am. We have a light dusting of snow so far...

Shells

When I first came to St. Augustine and started playing on the vast beach there I picked up a lot of shells. I miss walking with T talking or just walking in companionable silence. She told me 'when you bend down to pick up a shell, don't leave it there, pick it up anyways; even if it's not something you thought it was'.

I thought of that statement yesterday when I was walking on a trail through the trees back to work; there was some pretty amazing rocks; some I picked up some I just walked past. But those I picked up my imagination saw some beauty. One is small and dark as an inky night sky; there's a few white dots resembling stars with one 'scratch' making it look like a falling star.

I am still amazed at the colors, fragments of fossils from life so long ago, and shapes of the rocks I walk on and by. I imagine the many lifetimes they've gone through, the pressures put upon them to create them as a whole. Yeah, I hear my siblings; 'only you can see things totally different', however the lesson I take to heart; I sense the 'pressure' comes and goes with the ebb and flow of the tide, they pass; we create the 'colors', the visions people see from us, and leave our mark in the only way we as individuals do.

Life in the Canyon

I know, I know, I hear the echo in almost every phone call I get from my family of friends. 'You haven't blogged.' Usually I get an email or two regarding that, but life has everyone a bit busy, and the economy has everyone just a bit worried. I had said I would use it for creative purposes, however, my creativity has been utilized in my environment as you'll soon read. We had our first snow on November 10th. It was beautiful, especially since we were snug in the apartment and I have been going through as MJ put, a 'nesting' stage. Purchasing new curtains (got a great deal), found a beginners acoustic guitar for a great price, it now hangs on my wall; and planning for the holidays. Mike's at home working, doing web programming, so he's been doing the cooking, he's pretty darned good, so I guess that leaves the environment for my homebodiness. (hey that's a new word that's not even in dictionary.com)



I'm looking forward to getting a tree and decorating it. So much that I've entered a 'contest' with a friend regarding our decorating our trees. Yes a picture will be put on the ole blogger. I have to laugh as I remember last Christmas here with Susan; we went to the dollar store, I bought a 12 inch metal tree with bells on it, brought it home, set it on the table and said "trees up!" This year I've already purchased some decor for home and tree, the rest is all around me in its natural state. I'm waiting on the general store to provide the tree. I have some music; Bette Midler, Manaheim Steamroller, but now feel the need to get more.

Now for baking. I've an idea I think will make a great dunk. Cookies! Well that's not original, I know, but maybe a tin with 3 different kind of chocolate chip cookies; the regular, my famous 'damed good chocolate chocolate chip with cinnamon', and peanut butter chcocolate chip. Not the kind with a kiss in it, but with chocolate chips in them. There are moments I like to think outside the proverbial canyon, just moments mind you. Of course I have to say 'canyon' instead of box, well, sometimes you just have to fit the sayings to your environment; 'as the crow flies' is now 'as the raven flies', etc.

I do enjoy my new job here. The people I work with are an absolute great bunch of people. It's exciting to show off what we offer to new people visiting the canyon, not to mention meeting such a variety of people. It's like HR only better. Oops, they better not read that part as I do miss the fun there; but I think I've found the right crevice to be in. Crevice, ha-ha, get it? One of my old boss' came through the office last month and took a double take and said "everytime I see you, you're in a different place." I take that as a compliment for both of the meanings; literally and figuratively.

So there you are my dears, the update. Happier now? Good.

Tweeners

"Another term to describe the demographic of kids ages 9-12, also known as "tweens" '

This is the general meaning to the term tweeners. I'm adding one more...'of those who find in general where it may apply in life's terms; either socially or personally, of falling in between the cracks.' I guess I'm in the perfect place for that...

The company I work for has decided to purchase a different health plan. It is EXPENSIVE, not only as a deduction from the check for the premium but the copay as well has doubled. Luckily I work in a part that pays better, if I had my old job, it would definately eat half of my paycheck.

I have no little children here to raise, I'm not in my child bearing years, where I am at has a clinic that can take care of most emergencies. Otherwise one would have to go to Flagstaff, one and a half hour from here - with or with out insurance that is a very expensive ride.

Rather then participating I'm debating the logic of putting what would be the premium into my savings as a direct deposit from my check. That way I would also keep the interest earned on my moneys.

Which brings me to another annoying topic. Banks. There are several people I know that can only get a checking account because of bad credit. Well after this year, I'm sure there'll be an abundance. What I find illogical is they cannot get a savings account. Maybe my logic is screwed, but wouldn't it be more prudent to have a savings account rather then a checking account? To me the message given is 'we want you to spend all of your money, if you go over then that's pure profit for us.' Which is, I'm sure, the reasoning; however, as the economy changes so must our 'message'.

Going Hiking?

I was asked as I left work already changed into 3 light layers for the top, one for pants, shoes, hiking pole, hat and backpack with items.

"No I think I'll go shopping." I replied shashaying around.

Then I met Carissa on the trail head and we started meandering down after visiting with Valerie for a little while. Went past the first tunnel, got half way to the second when I inclined for us to head back up. I was hesitant on going that far (which isn't far at all) because of the steep climb back; when Carissa showed me a tool that will be invaluable for the rest of my life. Pace. Slow as it was it was constant, almost to a stop at some point, but not. The body kept propelling upward, momentum forward, slow; but even.

I'm not dreading the next trip down; as I know how I'll handle the long, steep trail up; a slow continuous pace.

Lunch

Requiring spontaneity. Lighting that summoning cigarette as I wait for the bus. It comes, as these words flow through my head; my day. Cause and reason unwound by chaos. Seasons echo within the flowing moods as clouds roll in and by. I hope it doesn't rain till after I'm home; but stick around 5 minutes that'll change.

Why is it everything seems uphill?

I wish I had a small sketchbook instead of listening to a co worker argue with an intended mate at a table near by while I await my lunch. Wow! The baggage she carries. She had this very paniked look in her eyes as we were introduced as they started leaving. So much read in those looks and words unsaid.

Now the corner is unbostructed from bodies sitting as my waiter walks by; still with no soup. Movement only stirs between the bus girl clearing and my pen in our little corner of the restaurant. A cloud grows outside of the window facing the Canyon; the ruffled edgeds colored in blue.

Ahh, alas the soup. French Onion. "Where are the onions?" I ask my spoon as it stirs the bottom of very nearly broth; searching. Shaking my head I release all words but one; eat.

Conditioning

Yesterday Sarah and I walked down the Bright Angel Trail. The origional goal was the mile and a half house until my knee let me know it didn't want to go that far so we went to the second tunnel.



Can you see the face etched in the rock? It is a hell-uv-a downward slope but goes fast...on the way down. Coming back up on the other hand is quite another story.



Which whether standing next to or within the canyon I feel about as big as this guy sunning on a rock.

Today we took the rim path to an unmaintained trail that leads to a cave overlooking the canyon. Looking down at the path I hesitated considerably, but with the urging of Sarah I went and was glad I did.

Contemplation cave

Contemplations cave
Destinys journey
Of fear and freedom




** note to CrypticFragments, looked at your profile, I remember you! You were here when my sis and I first came. Wow, small world. The cave is just off the rim trail about 1/4 mile from Hopi house. Small trail one barely discerns it's there; but I was told about it. Now the secret is out.

Decisions

The seeds are starting in the depth of my mind as new pathways open; new opportunities, reinventing yet again...existance in exquisiteness. I'm entering a new profession; no, enhancing the known into expansion. Slowly creativity flows. I will write more creatively on this site as I start to expand my horizons, both personally and professionally. Humbly I packed my backpack with necessary items for a small trek down into the canyon tomorrow night as a small group of us will start preparing for our journey (I hope, it hasn't been approved at work yet) down to Phantom Ranch in December for 2 nights. As the sage says...a journey begins with a single step.

On the way home

Ahh, the silence refreshed

After the gaggle of girls disembark before me

Lending an opening for the crickets to sing

Their night song

In the bright moonlight

Shimmering blue

Lighting my path…home.

September

On the 1st was the Family Fun Day at the Grand Canyon Rec Center. It was great. No pics, because this is a public blog and I don't have permission from those in it. I still wonder where all the kids hide...

Mike is back, living and working in Tusuyan. We're talking and building and learning.

I got a promotion. Next Thursday on 9/11 I start in sales. Auspicious? We shall see.

Not much planned for this month, reading The Portrait of Dorian Grey. Pretty interesting. Read the Handmaid's Tale, was depressed for several hours after; but recognized the timelessness in it.

Enjoy the dance of life

Here it is Mada's day of renewal 5 years ago, into what is unknown to us and what would've been her 20th year. I smile as I feel the waves, and the tears fall, my hands shake as my center rotates yet another round; then it passes. Like all things.

I still make plans with those I have come to be close to here in the canyon: hiking to phantom ranch for Thanksgiving, watching the sunrise from the porch of the El Tovar with a cup of their really good hot chocolate on Christmas morning as there is a holy sanctuary outside 'my back door'.

Is it just my pride?

Gone are the 'hopes', as they are in the same category as 'try'. Rather then 'try', I will do, rather then 'hope', I will plan.

Dreams are not illusions based upon hope, they are becoming goals. As the structure falls a new foundation is bourne into the reality of what I am and am about to become...

Moments before...

Moments before I wake up
I still feel you touch me
As you had not so very long ago
My body remembers
As it aches to confirm you
As it had what seemed just moments before.

Once my eyes open
Reality surrounds me
Your absence so stark and sure
Conciousness defends me
As I step through the pieces
Of the broken glass shattered on the floor

What were you thinking
As your anger drove you beyond me
When you walked out slaming the door
Does your body remember
How it once touched me
In what seems like only moments before

Being there

The phone started ringing Saturday morning; even though I slept in till 8. Wow, but then again I was up till 2, much like I am tonight. Had an absolutely georgous storm here last night. (There was a tornado warning in a little town called Park). Went to Sarah's and had dinner, listened to music and had a good time with those that came over.

My dear friend Glen came over and asked me if I wanted to go to Flag with him. I really didn't expect to leave the canyon for a while, so I jumped at the chance since the planned get away went away... Did some shopping and then went to see a movie. It's the first movie theatre I've been in since I left Florida (I don't count the IMAX since it's a film of the canyon and there's no choice). He pacified me by taking me to see Mama Mia. We laughed so hard. To me it felt like watching MJ, Terry and I together; hey we do tend to get people dancing when we're together. It certainly gave me a TOTALLY new appreciation of Abba. We both want to see it again, but it is a long drive back to the canyon.

It rained the whole day; making it rather chilly tonight; but I'm ever so thankful for the friends I have both in Florida and here. They are a tremendous support system; hugging me when I tear up, cursing with me when I get angry, encouraging me...and being there.

Picking up...pieces

I'm still surprised when some people come up to me and ask "So, where's Mike? Haven't seen him." They question my answer: "gone" and look at me for answers only he can tell. Shock and denial are the first reaction, that was mine too. Eventually 'this too shall pass', as will the anger, betrayal, and hurt. Went to dinner at the BA bar last night with Sharon and smiled with reminiscence as I remembered the winter time I worked at the front desk and the good memories we did share. More will come and go I know and I'll love them the way I did then; just with a wisp of sentiment.

It's nice to be able to smile again.

Mantle of mourning

Weighed heavy through to this afternoon. I've missed a lot of things we shared intimately and not, even the way his breathing evened out when he slept. So I embrace it and ignore the haunting questions that only hurt myself more; knowing deep down I will be something so much more beyond this.

Learning from this the mantra question I am allowing myself is: 'how do I let the betrayal go without it closing me off from the rich encounters of humanity, including the many faces of love?' With this as the devine internal question I open my eyes and self.

Sometimes the grief feels mixed as my mind slips over to my daugther, it is there I find the real truth and reality of knowing and not all at once. For as much as he had changed my life, she changed my world and existance and that is where the new creation begins.