Mantle of mourning

Weighed heavy through to this afternoon. I've missed a lot of things we shared intimately and not, even the way his breathing evened out when he slept. So I embrace it and ignore the haunting questions that only hurt myself more; knowing deep down I will be something so much more beyond this.

Learning from this the mantra question I am allowing myself is: 'how do I let the betrayal go without it closing me off from the rich encounters of humanity, including the many faces of love?' With this as the devine internal question I open my eyes and self.

Sometimes the grief feels mixed as my mind slips over to my daugther, it is there I find the real truth and reality of knowing and not all at once. For as much as he had changed my life, she changed my world and existance and that is where the new creation begins.

The Journey

August 8th: Been in a funk, but the light rain felt good as is the comfort of the fresh smells of the forests.

Tonight I thought of a dream I had when the possiblity appeared of us moving to Colorado. In it I approached Mike in the sidewalk, carrying something in my hands, but feeling torn inside. I was crushed emotionally in the way he swaggered up to me - his arm around a very young blonde girl. I remember seeing him in a long rain coat even thought the sun was shining. He said something sarcastic and turned away with his arm still around her and all I could think of was 'he's going to the wrong side of town, it's much nicer over here.' Silly as some dreams go but the thought of it lit another thought or question; was that the beginning of the end? More then likely.

After he left I was okay, I could see the magnitude for which it was; no big deal. I was still whole and had my faith in convictions. Until I found out the monies in his work bank were taken. It was a kick in the gut; stunned I questioned myself as to why I didn't feel this way about the monies I had given him to put into savings for 'us', or the car. It was realized after much gainful conversations with MJ, in regards to my faith of him having a shred of integrity; it had become the very last straw of betrayal.

I am ever so grateful I did not have a chain to put on my finger to bind me in a chokehold.

Should the dream, ever in it's own inkling, come true; I would not approach him with a gift of my tears; but a truth to show his lack of existance in which he has become.

Nancy will be back..

Her internet should be back by the weekend. She is doing good. The same ups and downs we all have when someone we love betrays us. Call her when you can.. and I bet she would even enjoy some snailmail! (posting by proxy..MJ)

What Mari-jane has to say..

I am posting in place of Nancy today. She has been forced into internet hiatus by the money stealing, modem stealing, heart stealing SOB, MIke.. who she was engaged to both in status and soul. Regardless of his reasons.. which Nancy has tried to deduce on her own since he left her no clue.. he was a cowardly, spineless, Pussy.. do not pardon my french, when he packed up and left in less than a day,while she was at work.. He left with the car,(in his name, but paid for by her $450), their $1200 in savings.. $800 contributed by her. He took the computer modem which leaves her with no phone & no internet. He left the computer which she paid $1000 of and he paid $500. He took the cell phone which was in her name, along with the bill, but hopefully he didn't charge much before I had her deactivate it.
You see Mike, I don't care what you say or think about me. You have no value in my life. Nancy does.. you dispespected her and used your dishonesty to hurt her.. 2 things I don't tolerate. So Karma may bite my ass.. but it will chow down on you first!

Happy(?) August

It is the first of the 8th month in the year. Not a celebrated month; but we'll do the best we can. On Wiki I found this:

In Celtic mythology, the Lughnasadh festival is said to have been begun by the god Lugh, as a funeral feast and games commemorating his foster-mother, Tailtiu, who died of exhaustion after clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture

So even in mythology the legend starts the month off with grief and reform. Much like we do in today's environment. Of course, since this is the month of Mada's long jouney away; I think of her in snippits of memories. I've found I've been thinking of her the past several weeks. Is this a milestone to pass? The re-emergance of grief feels and tastes different. Is it being in a different environment giving it that quality? Or is it because it's been 5 years (already), that it's a different quality of healing?

Time will tell.

That's what weekends are for....

I took off yesterday, just because ...I can. Even though it was 'without' pay, it was nice. Mike and I went to the morning classes by Canon. You know the guys that made my 'hobby' camera? Well, they had toys. Rather then get drool all over the 40D, I used the wide angle lens, to learn more of my own. It's one I've been wanting to get. Of course everyone else was using the drool over models with the longer lenses to get close up shots. I'm not impressed with the wide angle, and am glad I have not put out the money to get one. Mike used the new point and shoot G9, it's really nice and a really good point and shoot. He got some good shots, but when going to it's full telephoto limit the picture tends to pixilate and they aren't that good. One can get good pictures with the telephoto, but don't take it to it's limit; you couldn't make a poster out of it. Still learned a bit that is helpful. Tomorrow we plan on going and I'm going to use an image stabilizer lens.

While there we saw a couple of century plants. They are spiky cactus' that go about just above the knee, and once every 100 years send a shoot out of the center that grows taller then a person and blooms. That is why they're called century plants. One was in the middle of a rocky outpost at Mather Point, the other was in the woods several yards off the paved path. The one in the woods amazed me; it was HUGE. Tomorrow I plan on picturing both. Who knows maybe that lavander dragon fly will be back there too.

Musings

The hazy distance
In the high desert
Mountains in shadows


In the hazy distance
Shadows talk
Whispers
Heard in the breeze
Overheard
By the clouds
Passing by

On the unmarked trail
The pathway littered
Opportunities

More Olympic Pictures

Thank you Sunny for the pics.

Olympics...company style

Today we had the Olympics at the rec center. Turned out to be a lot more fun then I ever expected. (All other 'corporate' team building events, have been, lets say, tense).

Of course Mike and I were on different teams; he was on the transportation team, and I was on the hr team. Both of us reluctantly signed up for one event, he ended up doing 3.



That is him in the blue t-shirt. I like his new SueDoo. (She works in hr and cuts hair really well).



While Mike won 3 silver medals, (that matches his hair), I won one bronze (which matches mine). His team overall won the silver, ours won the bronze. It was pretty amazing how well maintenance did, they took away a lot and won the gold. Accounting got the turkey award. Funny.



What a sport?!!

More Arizona Exposure

Look who walked by our house for dinner last weekend? The 'boys'.




Pretty big aren't they?



A couple ate off the doorstep, about 5 feet away.



Gotta....reach...that....itch....ahhh.

Singing the theme song from Northern Exposure yet?

Happy Birthday Michael

I came to the Canyon to start a new life; looks like you found me.

Love ya

Happy July

It's hot here, up in the 90's during the day. No there will not be fireworks over the canyon. As pretty as that would be it would also spell disaster as it is WAY too easy to spark a fire.

We were thinking about going out of town since we both have a three day weekend, however, just the thought of traffic outside the park (much less inside) pretty much nixed that idea. So we'll stay at home and enjoy ourselves here.

In the meanwhile a lot is in bloom. There has been so much green I'm really surprised. But here is a taste of what you're missing:

It's a dry heat...

Yeah, well it's still hot! Here it is 7:30, the sun is setting and we have relief. We're at the point of having 40-50 degree differences between night and day and boy do we look forward to it. So between yesterday and today, Mike and I haven't done much; at least until we felt like stirring in the later afternoon/evening.

I did take advantage of the long lull in the wait for the breath of fresh air this afternoon and completed a drawing! Whoo hoo, another step. So here it is folks, 'Fancy Dancer':

Ahhh the weekend

Friday night, the crazy work week, which went smoothly, is at an end. It's summertime and the movement of events are so slow it's easy to miss any evolution though it happens even if we don't see it.

Music, the sounds that soothe the savage beaste within are reflecting upon the walls as Ramone (a co-worker friend) came over for dinner after jamming with Mike at the rec center.

It's now Saturday morning, breakfast is done, the dishes are waiting. It was nice to have a person over for dinner and music. Though I look forward to our visit with our psuedo daughter Sarah. She just got back from Lousiana visiting her family. I look forward to catching up.

Summertime...

Summer Solstice came by yesterday, showing off her glittery warmth in the yellow heat of the sun. It's been in the 90's here during the day; very hot but almost no humidity. It's kinda wierd having static electricity during the summer. Some of the cactai are blooming beautiful yellow flowers up by the rim and around the park. Took some pictures on my way home from work I'll have to post later when I download them. Though I don't care for the heat I love how cool it gets at night; in the 50's or 60's.

Mike and I went to Granview Point the other night, with a little 'bucket' of chicken from Yavapai and Mad Housewife wine to watch the full moon rise. Big and orange, the craters resembling a face. It was nice. While waiting for the moon to rise I was caught unawares in the moment of a breeze the feeling of "wow" as I took pictures of the sunset through leaves. It was so quick I even wondered if I even felt it. I could hear music in my head as I took the pictures of the leaves. So maybe I'll make a video of my photos with music of my own. Prayers and thoughts of healing known and unknown were sent with each breath as this week held many of both (prayers and thoughts).

It was with much relief and happiness to have Sue come back to work. Boy we sure did miss her. The team at hr is great, helping each other out with each task that needs to be completed. I joke to Deb about her beautiful little red haired blue eyed girl Mercy as our mascot. She's so cute. And it's funny how we become like 'mama hens' to the kids that come in.

Mike and I went to the AZ room for dinner last night and he was so sweet when a couple of girls started asking 'hr' questions. It was funny cause I just interviewed and tested for the next step up into a new position yesterday afternoon. Oh yea, the food was good. Though we'll still recommend the BA and ET restaurants over the AZ room.

Tomorrow Mike's dad and his girlfriend are coming to the canyon to visit. Looking forward to seeing them again. We're taking a train ride, as they now have 90 minute rides to Coconino Canyon and back on the old fashioned train.

Happy Papa Day

For all of us; both mothers and fathers who are and have been both.

In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson made Father's Day a holiday to be celebrated on the third Sunday of June. The holiday was not officially recognized until 1972, during the presidency of Richard Nixon.

It's been celebrated since 1908. But like mother's day it's a time to celebrate a parent or both as there are times whether together or seperate we have to be both.

Rhetoric

Saw this article on Drudgereport, and in the first paragraph I had to post this. Take your pick on what Mr. Bush's rhetoric means. After all there were millions who willingly 'bought' into the war on Iraq, I applaud those who stood up to oppose it; however it wasn't a 'vote' for the public only our 'representatives' to choose. Frankly his rhetoric worked very well, and I personally wouldn't trust his way to leave "his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran."


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article4107327.ece
Audio Help (rět'ər-ĭk) Pronunciation Key n.
The art or study of using language effectively and persuasively.
A treatise or book discussing this art.
A style of speaking or writing, especially the language of a particular subject: fiery political rhetoric.
Language that is elaborate, pretentious, insincere, or intellectually vacuous: His offers of compromise were mere rhetoric.
Skill in using language effectively and persuasively.
A style of speaking or writing, especially the language of a particular subject: fiery political rhetoric.
Language that is elaborate, pretentious, insincere, or intellectually vacuous: His offers of compromise were mere rhetoric.
Verbal communication; discourse.

American Psychological Association (APA):
rhetoric. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved June 10, 2008, from Dictionary.com website:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rhetoric

In the end it's all rhetoric

Wondering

On my walk home tonight the breeze blew a thought into my head. As frustrated as I am with the antiquated systems in place where I work (at all places I've worked at since I got here), I wonder. If I worked in a place that had modern systems; I don't just mean machines but ways of doing things too, would I be up to par? As I ponder, I ask would they then turn into 'it's just the way it's always been done' kind of management system? Am I that way, or would I become that way?

Change is constant and necessary; not just for growth personally but otherwise as well. Maybe it's the retro Mercury; as that tends to focus on communications, and all that involves (that's a very big picture). This has been building for some time, though once again I wonder, should I just compromise and accept the status quo? It seems to work for thousands of people why doesn't it work for me?

Just wondering.

Time passes by...

The days tend to slide from one moment to another as we continue throughout the week. It's been a VERY busy week this last week with a lot of kids checking in; most are from Ecuador, others are from Bulgaria and a few scattering from China. Nice kids. One from Singapore came back and when I pronounced his name he told me I was the first person here who pronounced it correctly and thanked me. That made my day. I'm learning how the different countries have unique pronunciations of our vowels and consenants, it's intriguing. The Ecuadorian's speak a Spanish that is very close to Italian; I know, I know they have a base structure of Latin. The one guy from France I felt sorry for. Considering the state of the dollar it must be like working for a 3rd world country; and then coming to such a remote place sometimes (not always) it feels like we're back in the 50's. Oh that's right we've upgraded to the 70's; at least part of the village.

They've started a bus to Tusayan, a small hamlet just outside the park. Great place, well the only place, to get a decent pizza along with a few other things. Then the train is starting a new tour twice a day to a different canyon (the name will be updated soon), at 5pm and at 7pm. It helps to have Mike at the trans desk to learn of these things (among other things but those are too private to mention here - tee hee). We plan on taking the trip.

Learned there's a new Canon point and shoot that's 12mp. It has great capabilities, and magazines and such only take pictures that are shot with a 10 or more megapixels. So all those wonderful shots I have are just 'hobby' pictures. Disappointing, but I'll keep taking pictures. Speaking of pictures, the pen and ink picture has been sent to the Paints America contest; it's below. Personally I don't think it'll be in the final pick of 100, however, entering it is the step necessary at this point. Time to get some (much) larger pieces of watercolor paper to start on next years entry; and yes I have an idea in mind. It's intimidating, but I've got lots of 'hobby' pictures to use as a base.

The sad news this week: Mike's grandmother passed away Monday evening. He got home Monday night, it was a very long 4 days without him; sleeping was difficult. But I am very glad he got to go see her and his grandfather and the extended family. His grandparents were about to celebrate their 74th wedding anniversary. How bout that??!! He kept teasing me with visuals; like there was so much moisture in the air his skin became a sponge, there was lush green and flowers around and didn't dare go into a 'real' grocery store for fear of wanting to send A LOT of stuff home. Then my brother called to let me know Williemae (his girlfriend) has about a week to live. The cancer is spreading horribly fast; he's been with her for a couple of years and my heart breaks for him. He's provided her with a lot of things she didn't have and loved her tenderly. The doctors say the cancer isn't painfull so she'll just go to sleep one day and not wake up; there is a blessing in that as we all know it's difficult to see a loved one in pain at anytime.

Well that's the week in review. May next week be filling with loving memory making moments that will bring a smile to your face.

Happy June

Summer solstice arrives within a handfull of weeks; calling to celebrate the apex of a new season. Ancient or new celebrations of the sun happen daily. From wandering outside absorbing the heat from the rays; worshiping with our bodies as some lie prone exposing skin to the suns mercy. Of course there are those who like me look like something came out of an easy bake oven half done as my arms and face are red while the legs still pale. I'm beginning to think they reflect rather then absorb light.

Yesterday I enjoyed the afternoon with Sara and Paula taking hundreds of photos of the Hopi dancers. Mostly for drawing purposes I did play with a few. Here's what I came out with.